My Life as an Air Force Wife

They say silence is golden... "they" must not know what it's like to be alone. Suddenly it's all come crashing down on me and I realize that I've pretty much alienated myself from a lot of people, people I love. With all the silence you would think that where I am is the quietest place in the world yet the silence is profoundly deafening. The days he's been gone have been long, painful, and utterly empty. The love I find in God has kept me this far but I'm having a hard time believing in love anymore. Once, before he left, I had a heart so full of love I feared it would burst. Now I find that the empty shell I used to call my heart is shriveled and useless. Is this what heartbreak is? Real heartbreak? It's night here and I'm thankful for the hours closing in when I can finally close my eyes, and at the same time I dread going to an empty bed. There is something sinister in a room so empty that sound echos like a deep, dark cave. I know that I'm not really alone but it does feel like it sometimes. I am so anxious for him to come home. I do wonder sometimes if I've changed... has he changed? Will it show? Will we still be in love? Deployment changes a lot of people and it's not always for the best. I need relief. I need a home. This empty house is no longer a home. The day he left is the day this hell of a home lost its soul, life, and love. As I'm typing this my dog is sleeping on the floor, no worries, no pain. I miss that. I miss when Jon would come home and complain about his shitty day. No matter how bad it was he could come home and I could make it that much better. That's a two-way street. He always made me laugh and brightened my room. I remember our first kiss... we were on our first date, sitting in his truck at the bowling alley, totally oblivious to anything else around us. We kissed and I swear the world held its breath, fireworks burst in my heart and my head, and love bloomed between us. It was amazing. I didn't believe in fireworks kisses until Jon. They're real. Believe me when I say it's a beautiful miracle. I told him that I was going to marry him right after we kissed. He must have thought I was crazy, but I was right. I miss him. I miss those kisses...