09 March 2010

Silence

0 comments Posted by Mrs.Martin at 18:45

They say silence is golden... "they" must not know what it's like to be alone. Suddenly it's all come crashing down on me and I realize that I've pretty much alienated myself from a lot of people, people I love. With all the silence you would think that where I am is the quietest place in the world yet the silence is profoundly deafening. The days he's been gone have been long, painful, and utterly empty. The love I find in God has kept me this far but I'm having a hard time believing in love anymore. Once, before he left, I had a heart so full of love I feared it would burst. Now I find that the empty shell I used to call my heart is shriveled and useless. Is this what heartbreak is? Real heartbreak? It's night here and I'm thankful for the hours closing in when I can finally close my eyes, and at the same time I dread going to an empty bed. There is something sinister in a room so empty that sound echos like a deep, dark cave. I know that I'm not really alone but it does feel like it sometimes. I am so anxious for him to come home. I do wonder sometimes if I've changed... has he changed? Will it show? Will we still be in love? Deployment changes a lot of people and it's not always for the best. I need relief. I need a home. This empty house is no longer a home. The day he left is the day this hell of a home lost its soul, life, and love. As I'm typing this my dog is sleeping on the floor, no worries, no pain. I miss that. I miss when Jon would come home and complain about his shitty day. No matter how bad it was he could come home and I could make it that much better. That's a two-way street. He always made me laugh and brightened my room. I remember our first kiss... we were on our first date, sitting in his truck at the bowling alley, totally oblivious to anything else around us. We kissed and I swear the world held its breath, fireworks burst in my heart and my head, and love bloomed between us. It was amazing. I didn't believe in fireworks kisses until Jon. They're real. Believe me when I say it's a beautiful miracle. I told him that I was going to marry him right after we kissed. He must have thought I was crazy, but I was right. I miss him. I miss those kisses...

 

04 January 2010

Marriage Today

0 comments Posted by Mrs.Martin at 02:42

So, have you realized that my generation is getting divorced typically before their first year of marriage? I am curious as to how many of my high school peer's marriages lasted. I know of at least 7 couples off the top of my head who have gotten divorced. In all honesty there were times when I absolutely hated my life and my marriage. There was many a time when I was ready to call my marriage a bust and move on. I don't know if it was Jon leaving for the Air Force or God pulling me out of my selfish misery, but I eventually found out that leaving my husband hurt more than fighting with him. As I talked to God, whether it was Him talking to me or not, I realized that the promise that I made to God to stay with my husband through thick and thin was supposed to be a forever kind of thing. I can't tell you when my marriage got better or what exactly made it so wonderful. What I can tell you is that once my husband and I let God back into our marriage so many blessings fell upon us. It was as if every path we took was paved by God and walked by angels. There is something so beautiful about being "us" that it honestly hurts to think about being "me". Don't get me wrong, there is no reason to lose yourself or lose who you are and become who you think your spouse wants you to be. People change all of the time, that's part of life, but it's amazing when you change with someone. I'm not even sure how to put into words what I'm feeling right now. I'm angry, frustrated, and plain ol' pissed off that so many people my age are so extremely selfish that divorce is the only way out to them. Do you remember why you even got married? Do you remember what it felt like to be in love so deep that you smiled every time you looked at that special someone? To feel like dancing wherever you go? To miss that someone when they are gone for more than a minute? There is no reason that you can't feel that way now. Granted you probably can't feel that way all of the time, but you can feel that often. God will show you how. I'm not the perfect Christian and my faith is weak, but I know that my marriage was a hollow illusion until we let God in. Now you'd better believe it ain't gonna be easy. He will make sure that you go through your trials, just like everyone else. He will also help you through those trials so that when you get through them your marriage is stronger and so is your faith. Have you seen Fireproof? If not, I highly recommend it. A comment is made that I have seen firsthand and I want to share it with you. It was somewhere along the lines of "You cannot truly love your spouse if you do not love God". I believe that with all my soul. You can't love your spouse if you don't love God because without God you don't know what love is. I can promise you that if you ask God to come into your heart He will not say no. Wow... this is not the message I was trying to get across. Well, when you think that divorce is the only way it is very possible that you're wrong! Please keep trying. Who knows? It might be worth it!

 

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